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Hold your horses.

To avoid soul searching this morning, I read an old Glamour magazine that I was about to throw away. And in this magazine, there was an article written by this guy who was trying to make amends with his past by writing all his past loves a letter. And it was amazing.
I don't have many past loves, but I do have a few relationships that I'd like to recount on.

Dear William,
At the ripe age of 11 you called me and told me this exactly: "You don't know me, but I am in love with you" because you saw my picture in CP's yearbook. Your mom brought you to my house and we fell in love playing video games and walking through the neighborhood because that is what 11 year olds in relationships do. And I stood up for you when all the kids called you a douche and I lost friends over you. I gave you everything. And you took everything including my virginity at noon on a hot summer day when we were too young but I know you planned it all along because you already had a condom and a broken hand and it was awful. I gave you EVERYTHING and you probably could have given me herpes from that girl that gave you that Christmas card that I found in your backseat a couple of months before you ripped my heart from my rib cage. Thank God I was smart enough to make you wear protection you mother fucking cock sucker. And I loved you. And I know you said that tattoo on your arm was for me and then you told your next girlfriend it was for her even though you already had it when you started doing it with her. While you were probably still doing it with me. And I know you told CP not to be with me because I was crazy. But really, the point in all of this is I just want to let you know that you didn't ruin it for me. Because if you didn't shatter my heart, I wouldn't have started dating and eventually marry that boy that introduced us all those years ago. And he makes you look like a puny little bitch. But your kids are really cute, so that's nice.

Dear Joey,
Your seat was like the only one open on the bus and it was like a scene from Forest Gump and I sat down next to you and we became such best friends. We fell in instant love and wrote our intitials in the green pleather with white out and when all the other kids thought I was weird for mooning people off the back of the bus, you did it with me so I wouldn't be alone and weird. We've always shared that mutual sick sense of humor. And even though you changed the course of history, you preserved our friendship instead of ruining it at what could have been a failed attempt at young love. And that just shows how much you loved me. And I couldn't have survived growing up if you weren't around and walked me safely to my grandma's house like every afternoon. And all we probably ever talked about was what colors our boogers were, but that didn't matter because we were together. And you'll always have your own little room inside my guts. And sometimes you turn your little light on in there and the glow from your window warms me up. Thanks for being a best friend to me for my whole life, and I'm sorry that we've lost touch. But I'm so glad that you got married and love your wife. I'm happy with your happiness.

Dear Mat,
I don't think I consider what we had a relationship, but I'm sorry I went down on the drummer in your band when I was supposed to have been going down on you. But I was young and you were older and I probably saved you from a jail sentence so really you should be thanking me. No. You were right. I was a fucking bitch. I don't know what you are doing now, but I hope it involves drugs and drinking and smoking because that is all that I think you ever did besides play guitar in a pretty good band.

Kevin,
I think you loved me. No, I know you loved me. And I think that you compared every girl to me after me. And God, I am so sorry because you are such a great, great guy. But you know how aggressive I am, and I walked all over you. And I'm sorry and I'm sorry and I'm sorry. I know that you got married recently, and I hope she gives you what you deserve. And your friend request on Facebook made me happy because it was a glimmer of hope that you are forgiving me. But I don't think we were right for each other. I'm like a wild horse and you needed some one a little more tame. I'm glad you found it. So so glad.

Brianna,
Even though we weren't in a romantic relationship, you were still my soul sister for my entire life and we made out a lot so that kind of counts, right? Anyway....Fuck you. You chose drugs over me and didn't understand that I had my whole life on the line. I had an athletic scholarship and honor roll and the weight of the world on my shoulders and couldn't do drugs with you. And you thought I was so uncool and then you never called me back when I called you to tell you that William broke up with me. And that is when I knew that we were dead. And I heard you got knocked up and I'm sure your daughter is gorgeous because you were. But thanks for being just as crazy as me all those years but still fuck you for not being a very loyal friend in the long run. And drugs are bad for you anyway. And your Dad was always way more awesome than your Mom, even though you didn't think so and I hope he is doing well.

This is fun!

3:51 p.m. - 2013-03-27

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