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I'm coming out with my hands in the air

I watched The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch tonight. At first, only because I had to chose from a list of speeches to discuss for Chris's homework assignments. (Yes, I'm doing my husband's homework while he is in a field somewhere in Alabama getting treated like a prisoner of war). Anyway, I nearly changed my mind after seeing it was over an hour long. After 30 seconds I was hooked. I knew that he had passed away some time last year from pancreatic cancer and thought to myself that that ws deserving enough for my attention. Like I owed it to him, even though I have never come close to knowing this man. I'm glad I did. I had an "I'm sorry, I really wish you were still alive" grin on my face the entire time. It was cool. I give it a thumbs up.
My point to all of this is, everything I turned on today (speaking of TV now) was about death. The TV was on TLC when I first turned it on and 18 kids and counting was on. Their grandfather passed away. While I was writing a paper, on little people big world, their friend Mike passed away. Even jon and kate talked about jon's dad passing away. (I never changed the channel from TLC, although I have now because I'm waiting for the new The Office to come on).

Well, all of this shit made me think. My grandma knew for a long time that Parkinson's was going to kill her. Before the shaking was too bad, she wrote her grandchildren a letter and stuck it in the cedar chest at the foot of her bed. We never knew this until after my grandpa died almost two years after her death. It wasn't long. She didn't have to write much. Really, she just wanted to tell us one more time that she loved us more than she could have ever imagined. She wanted to make sure that we heard it one more time. She thought about us first when she found out she was dying.

I thought I saw my grandpa at Krystal the other day. I was in the drive thru and he was at the counter. And I wanted to scream that I loved him. I wanted to sit in his lap and let him slobber a kiss on my cheek. I wanted him to be alive.
It's strange that in 3 weeks my grandma will have died three years ago, my grandpa for over a year now, and it still stings a bit every single day knowing that I will never get to see the two most beautiful faces in the world ever ever ever again.

I'm fucking cracking up.

On a more positive note, nothing makes me happier than to see my dogs running around our backyard.
Another thing that makes me happy?
Your face.
And I miss it.
Bad.

8:43 p.m. - 2009-10-22

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