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brown eyed girl.

i called my mom last night. crying.
i told her i thought i was depressed.
not the kind of teen-angst depressed, where i'm merely trying to grab attention from the people around me.
i'm really showing signs of the real deal, adult stuff.
how do i know? i googled it.
ha.

and my mom somehow comforted me in all my babbling. and how do i know that she meant all the things she said? because i didn't ask her to say them. she just did. because she knows that they were all words that i needed to hear. and she didn't get frustrated with me, or abruptly have to get off the phone, she cried, because she wished she could take the pain away.
so, how do i know she cares? because she acts like it.

i know that he is under stress. i know that i can't even fathom the things that he has to feel.
but one thing i do know, that it's no excuse for treating me like i'm second-rate, and like i don't matter.
and when your wife cries, she shouldn't have to ask to be consoled. it should just happen. these nice words like my mom spoke, should just come out. they should just be there already.
so how do i know that you don't care anymore, because you are silent. and even sometimes mock me. because i feel like you know the words to say, you just don't want to tell me. which i thinks breaks my heart even more.
i'm not special. i'm not pretty. i'm not loved. i'm not missed. and all these things don't even make me feel like myself anymore.

i think i'm going to be sick.

11:04 a.m. - 2008-08-17

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