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saying all of our goodbyes.

god, i'm glad that i don't have the courage.

i live everyday on a countdown.
either i'm counting down the days until you leave, or until you come home.
i live my days based on those numbers.
some days they fall faster than others.
sometimes they go too fast, sometimes they go too slow.
some days i wish i didn't have fingers or toes to count on.
some days i forget to mark the day off, so that tomorrow i will have two down.
but i never stop counting.
never.
ever.

the worlds constantly spinning and i'm standing still.
i'm so fucking ready to spin.

i cherish my relationship with chris.
he has the most beautiful face.
and he makes me laugh the kind of laugh that doesn't ever go away.
and i love him.
god, i fucking love him.

i feel so sad for anyone who has lost someone in the war. its enough to keep me up at night. i can't grasp the idea of death. it scares the shit out of me. it's tragically devastating.
and it makes me so sad.

i miss you already, and we still have a week left.
i'm just not coping well. i'm just not feeling like i can fucking handle this.
and i'm not sorry.
i shouldn't have to handle this.

9:42 p.m. - 2008-04-02

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