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and then there was you.

everything is falling apart.

i've never been so unhappy.
and unpleasant.
and selfish.

everything i think that you are going to love, and cherish, goes without appreciation.

i bought a bottle of sleeping pills when he left, just in case. i got upset one night and dumped them out and counted each one individually. and i flirted with the thought of how many i could get down with one gulp. and what that would do.
but it scared me.

i haven't felt this uneasy since last time we dealt with your PTSD. i haven't felt this insecure since then. i haven't felt this kind of pain since then.
i'm tired of war being an excuse for you to say anything that floats to your brain. and it pours out like liquid. and it hurts. worse than you know.
because deep down inside i'm scared that you really mean all the things that leak out.

i miss the idea of euphoria.
i miss the idea that you and i belong on cloud 9.
maybe i just miss being happy.
no, i know i miss being happy.

i took two sleeping pills.
i hope i don't even remember my own name in a few seconds.
i hope that i can forget it all.

10:25 p.m. - 2007-12-20

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