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one way, or another.

why are the hardest things to let go the easiest things to happen.
because no matter how hard i hold onto your hand, the tighter i squeeze the more you want to let go.
it's hard to see people around me fail. it's hard to know exactly what to say. so, i know thats why everyone around me has been silent. because i've been failing, and they haven't had the words to help. which in the end turns out to be no ones fault but my own.
its all in how my parents think, act, the way the look and talk. its all passed down to me incoherently. i love them, dearly. truly i do. but if i could change one thing i would have picked up some strength from some other place. some other period in time. because if my parents passed on everything to me, they forgot to pass on the ability to deal with emotional situations. and how to detach and detox and come out of it alive.

everyday i'm scared. i've fallen out of love with things that have always kept me going in times like these. i'm scared that i'm only 20 and i'm 9 classes away from being independent with no real direction or drive to make something out of my piece of paper that states i have a bachelors degree in liberal arts and sciences.
i'm a train wreck and i take it out on the people that have slowly run out of words to say. but it all happens in slow motion. and i can see them all running to the door.
why do i do this?
how do i always manage to push people away when i need them the most?

so, i'm holding onto whats left.
because i know the moments when i wish the world would stop. i live for the moments that keep me smiling for days. i feed off those moments, and breathe them when the air is too hot or too cold or the space is too tight to wiggle around in. but its also these moments that make me pity my existance. because once they are over i know that i will never be able to obtain something so beautiful again.

and then there are times like these. where i feel like i've talked myself into a circle.
and i simply don't fucking feel like talking about it anymore.

8:34 p.m. - 2006-04-24

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