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i gave it all, all i could.

i promised myself that i wouldn't cry tonight. so, here you are, i present you with my dead body. because you have absolutely killed anything beautiful that ever existed inside of me.
and now i feel so ugly. so used. and so beat up that no one will ever want to take me on again.
you have ruined any chance of ever remembering what it felt like to smile and have someone smile back, like how people smile when they are crazy, and in love.
because when you held my hand in the car today, i felt something. it felt a little like love. again.
i have never felt like this. i have never felt so un-beautiful. my hands have never had to hold my head for this long, and my blankets have never been so soaked from me biting them and them biting me back.
i have floated in this space for long enough, it's uncomfortable. and its getting pretty grim. there is nothing but my own diagetic sound, purely natural, nothing fake. and it's disgusting to hear. but i can't shut it out. and i can't stop crying.
but i'm hurt. i feel hurt. like people feel when this is the first time that they hurt. about this kind of stuff. the tough stuff to pull through. if pulling is even an option at this point.
point blank.
grade A.
first class.
and i've been trying to pick up the pieces for months. but every time i do, you come along again, just in time to kiss my nose or hold my hand or tell me that you just can't imagine life without me. you say just enough to get by. and i let you by. like it's the first time i've heard those things come out of a pathetic boys mouth. like you were the first person in history to say them, making me the first person in history dumb enough to belive in them. and you. and even if i'm not the first, i feel dumb enough to be first.
i just wish biting my nails was enough of a coping mechanism to get me through. but when i run out of things to chew on, i run back to you. and i chew on you until you remind me that we are nothing. more like i'm nothing to you, and you are everything to me.
two separate planets, reading two different pages. and yet, we are expected to be best friends again.

i want my sanity back. really. i don't want to be contradictions and hypocracy. i want to smile like i've never even known who you were. and like you never gave me a ring to wear on my finger to prove that i was yours and no one elses. i want to be everyone elses and never yours.
because i drew this red circle on my forehead for a reason. because i like being your target when you are ready to fire your gun. i like hearing all my faults in a few short sentences. and i love being dumbfounded when i hear how hard your words are when they fire like bullets into every inch of every thing that could hurt in my body. i love feeling un-beautiful.
because that is exactly what i am right now.
ugly and confused.
and bitter about love and things.
you are pathetic enough to fuck with a poor girls heart. and i am pathetic enough to let you.
certainly there are better things to do.

9:32 p.m. - 2006-02-26

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