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it's based on the principle.

i keep telling myself it over and over. like i haven't ever heard it from your mouth before. becasue some how i convinced my brain that if it hears it enough, it must really be true.
to hell with short term memory.

because i am faced with the smallest decisions, that could affect a lifetime of worries. because i believe lying is fun.
see, i lied again. (this is becoming a habit).
so i take my fingers, count them all to ten, than i start all over like i hadn't done it before. and i repeat, like i'm obsessive compulsive, in rituals. but, well hopefully, i won't start to believe that things come in tens. one little break in the pavement is quite enough for me.
so, what if a lifetime of questions come down to one small night. i've always thought that seeing in the dark was a super power, and that i had to wear a cape or something to do it. god, i'm always fucking wrong.
and the more questions i ask, the less answers i get. and the more answers that i want, the less questions that i have. soem questions deserve bigger answers. pffff, this game is as fucked as ever.
i'll ask myself for forever why i did this to myself. it's just nature, human fucking nature, to seek answers in things around you. instead of yourself.

so, in the meantime, i'm sitting here, eyes squinted (my eyebrows nearly touching), looking at the screen like it was him. and even though i promised not to scream while he's asleep, i just yelled, "what the fuck do you think you're doing?"
and then i ever so nicely walked away. with my hands in my jacket. like you never were, and you never will be. like you never existed at all. and sometimes i smile at your expense.
(i just thought i'd let you know). because the only answer is, you're fucked up, or you're fucked.
either way will do.

8:21 p.m. - 2005-12-29

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