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i can be so much more than this.

this will never do.
because you will never believe.
and you will never be me.
or find me in anyone else.

because i sat in that seat, and swore that i had been here before. saying these same words and acting these very same actions.
and before it wasn't good enough.
and i could never explain to you why now it is.
i would never rub your name in dirt. even if it feels like mine couldn't be any more muddy.
i woke up today to sun. a smile. and a little bit of peace in the noisest of weeks. and it felt good. real fucking good.
and finally, i let that be enough.

this guy i work with, well his son came home from iraq a week or so ago. and today he found out that he will be state side, for good. and i went in the backroom at work, and called my mom, and told her that i didn't want to love chris anymore. and she said "well, don't." and at that moment, i felt like it was a done deal. i'm tough.
and tomorrow is a new day.

because i'm not crying, my nose is just stopped up.

9:53 p.m. - 2005-12-20

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