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listen up mother fuckers.

i've felt this warmth a million times, from this exact spot. there is something about this chair that brings it all inward, straight to the spot i've felt it in before.
i've felt it in this exact same spot before.
i've seen it all cross, because my eyes stared so hard. without a blink, or a bit of moisture.
and my lips, and my teeth. clinched. so tight that i wake every morning with a headache. all because it felt so good, feeling it in that spot again.
and a million times before i was willing to bring myself the pain from clinching. clinching to feel it again in that spot.
i chew, swallow, digest, and chew, swallow, digest, and over and over in a simple pattern...that i've grown so used to chewing, swallowing, and digesting in order. a silent, neat, perfect fucking order. i threw up.
and in between never and forever is shadow. a little dark space that i hide in. that i've hid in a million times. the exact same hiding spot. in which i can't tell if my eyes are shut, or i'm still hiding. hopefully both. all at the same perfect and neat little time.
i've ruined my whole point, mostly in everything that i haven't said. my everything seems to be nothing but my own nothing. i think...
but regardless, distance, inlcuding oceans and all 50 states are absolutely selfish.
i've felt it, sitting in this same spot, a million times. this exact same spot, with this exact same feeling. and thats why i sit here now. and i've written myself right out of words.
because this is more than just a shadow. i'm keeping my eyes closed on purpose.
because i don't feel anything. at all. in this spot. and i'm scared that i'm falling out of love....

the end.

8:40 p.m. - 2005-11-29

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