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i'm going to make some changes.

i've given up sleeping pills. i'm not heavy into drinking, or smoking. i have no real sins to hide. the only addiction i can find is the constant need to feel bad. lonely. and afraid.
because its just not fair that i can't wake up in the morning without thinking about what time it is where he is.

all i've ever wanted in life was to fit with something. to be able to stick with someone without adhesives.
and all i've learned is that is damn near impossible. and its exhausting to hold two things together with your own strength alone. because eventually your arms will give, and no matter how hard you push with your stomach, hope and faith aren't as strong as glue and tape.
(all this i've learned the hard way).
and of course it's hard to be the one that's gone, but there has always been a constant underestimate of being the person left at home. especially if you truely believe that home is where the heart is.
like me.
i'm restless at night, when sleep counts. and it catches up to me during the day, in class, at practice, at work, and all the other times that i can't devote my body to my bed.
because when i think about love, i think about me and him. and all those times where we were both speechless. and all the times where i couldn't catch my breath.
and maybe i'm wrong. but it's taken more energy to hate him then it ever did to give him love. and just when i think i'm completely gone from it all, he calls and slips in an "i love you" when he's getting off the phone.

my head, my heart, my body, for the sake of my sanity and sleep, something has to give. i'm stressed from school, from soccer, from all those early mornings on friday and saturday at the salon.
i've always said that it's going to take my leaving to make him realize. i've learned from this, it's his turn. i'm walking right out of these shoes. i'll even walk bare foot no matter how many little rocks i encounter. i just need some breathing room. a little time to rest my head. i'm number one in my life right now. i've provided enough love for a small country for him, it's time to start to love myself. i'm walking away (even if i've said it a million times). away from the love i've never known before. from a best friend, a boyfriend, and my hero. because i'm not a priority to him. but i am one to me. and FINALLY, that takes presidence over all.

11:07 p.m. - 2005-10-09

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