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if you dont know now, you never will.

and i could tell this morning that no one wanted to get up. maybe it's the change in weather, and that we all were so much more comfortable and warm in my blanket than we were when we walked outside.
i've played out every possible scenario in my head, like i was the actress and you were my audience. and i owned the stage in my mind, i knew teh script and it just flowed out, i never had to think or call for a line. an award winning performance...
but thats just it, its all an act. and sometimes my knees buckle when i get nervous. and i bite my nails and get red polish in my teeth.

because, i guess, in 20 years, im still going to be the quirky girl who wakes up with a grumpy face. i'm still going to be afraid to be in the dark alone. and i will still have social anxiety.
i'm not trying to win a trophy. for once my life isn't about a competition, because win or lose, i've finally found that i'm still going to be me. maybe less and not much more.
because when i thought about games, the words monopoloy or candyland came to mind. and the older i get, the more i realize that there is nothing wrong with that. because, at this point, i don't even care if i don't get to be the car or the boot, and you can even keep your $200 when i pass go, i just want to play. with you.

5:15 p.m. - 2005-09-30

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