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the lowest effective dose.

my only nights of sleep come because of this pretty little pill, that slides it way down my throat like fingers colliding with a piano. i feel it, dissolving, and then activating right in my pit of a stomach.
and even on those nights i dream. no no, i nightmare. about a man. and about his plan. thats when i dream. i dream that i never nightmared at all.
he keeps saying that he wishes he could make this easy. and that this is the hardest thing he has ever had to do. i keep saying, to myself, to put it at the back of your mind. and let yourself live, for once. but today must have been opposite day because the back meant the front, and i havent been able to keep anything in its way.
i need a hobby. but hobbies always mean your lonely. and i'm not a 70 year old woman.

is there such thing as more real? i mean, are there levels of real? or is everything the most real that it can get?
maybe if i could answer this, i would be able to breathe again.

i miss him.

10:07 p.m. - 2005-07-26

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