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i could never quite hold my tears the way you do.

and sometimes it pains me to extend these words. to think that i haven't grown from that small girl into a blooming young lady. sometimes i scream because i look at my child-like face and wish for it to form into something, well something adult-like.
i'm ready too soon. i know it.
and sometimes it pains me to watch these words grow legs and feet, and walk right out the door. just like you did, boy. and sometimes i wish that i would stop blaming this all on you, after all, this wasn't your doings.
but more often than not, it pains me to know that i'm back to a relationship based across the air waves, via satelite. and sometimes i cry because i hate the internet more than i hate "our" situation. and i find myself surfing more and more.
i do things everyday that i don't want to fucking do. and i put on a smile, because that is how you taught me, to grin and fucking bear it. and sometimes i don't give any more, and usually i never give any less. i sit right on the line, careful enough not to fall AGAIN!!!!!
my life is messy, and i'm scared that i will never grow out of it. and that pains me. but sometimes that is exactly what i love about myself, because i am the most disfunctional person alive. and i know that is what makes him love me more than anything...because it makes him laugh. i make him laugh.
and sometimes, i don't think i want it any other way.

7:51 p.m. - 2005-07-12

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