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my headlights out.

in the split second that i blink, i see it. exactly what i want to say, its spelled out for me, every confession that i could ever make. and in that split second that i blink, i pretend that you want to hear it, you crave to hear it, you can taste it because you want to hear it so bad. you could never want to hear it as bad as i want to say it. excuse me, scream it. and then i stare because im afraid to blink.
ive got everything on my plate. this is when i should be the happiest. its all working/coming out just right. but i always think about the other side, after the matter. the down hill retreat. the fact that there are still many, many months after. i cant, no no, i wont say goodbye again. it hurts, already.
he said "cheer up, sourpuss." and i cried, even more then before. because thats something that i can only imagine him saying, and to hear it from his mouth made me realize what i dont have anymore. i lived for that moment where you would finally be on my doorstep, and in a mere second, it was taken all away.
ive got too much on my plate. im full.

i used to find it so easy to write about things in code. i cant anymore, everythings blunt, straight, and absurd. (exactly how i dont like it). tonight, a friend of mine looked at me and said, "you look at the world very differently." and i just giggled, if i could sum myself up in one sentence, i couldnt say it better than that. (this is the part where i applaud).
the phones ringing, im not going to answer. im tired. and full. and i just blinked, twice.

11:40 p.m. - 2005-05-20

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