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so much for pretending.

i used to be so full of passion. so live with emotions. im so quick to jump and close the door every time any one comes around. i bottle myself up so tight. im not letting anyone in. ive built this heavy machinery with a red flashing light to warn me of when things are supposed to hurt. and here, as of lately, its burned itself out. so, im mixed up.
and im blaming that on not knowing when the appropriate times to feel pain are.
ive documented everything, since i was a little girl. its always been my style. i just love the feeling of getting to look back and read how i felt on that specific date. i love trying to relive those old moments where i felt so much passion.
i used to write so well. the words just flowed right out onto this screen. and i dont know if im embarassed because i know you will read this, but something, honestly is holding me back. i was under the impression the harder life gets, the easier it was to express your hurt. i guess life has so much gotten harder, its gotten a lot more real. words just dont come easy in the realest of situations.
god, im so broken down.
ive officially ignored 7 phone calls tonight. yes, 7. from friends home from school on spring break. luckily 2 of them didnt let anything stop them, and they just showed up at my house. it takes a lot to be my friend. i can be cold and distant. i wear all my emotions on my sleeve...but i get in my moods where i just really need to be alone. and thats when i get too much for anyone to handle.

god, im tired.
im going to bed.

12:43 a.m. - 2005-03-17

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