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shooting stars and comets tails.

here i am, back at square one. i convinced myself that i was stronger than i really am. i convinced myself for a few months that things couldnt ever get that bad again.
its impossible to lie to yourself. your bound to find the truth out sooner or later.
and here i am, stuck with that feeling.
i always convince myself of a lot of things. im so easy to lie to. i mean, for three years i convinced myself that i was in love. i convinced myself that i wanted to be more like her. i once convinced myself that i wanted to quit soccer. but i guess that is always that one day where you wake up, and realize that those were all just ideas, they werent truths.
when chris first said he was leaving, i convinced myself that it was a good thing. that it would really show us how we felt about each other. but what i guess i didnt realize is that we already knew how we felt about each other, so that just gave us 12 more months to do absolutley nothing but wait to get this started again.
this week i have bottomed out. i wanted to go to florida with my friends this week, but i didnt. i was supposed to move out (today), but im not going to. we were supposed to hang out this weekend, but you never called. one disapointment after the next. im just tired of things going wrong.
all ive ever wanted was to feel love. all ive ever wanted was to stop with the lying.
im back to being the sad veronica that i was a year and a half ago. im back to hiding and crying. im back to hating myself.
god, this is so immature. its all so fucking petty.
i guess im just now learning that life can be a lot more dangerous than falling off the monkey bars, or skinning up my knees playing indoor soccer. ive had broken bones, bruises, black eyes, ive been taken in an ambulance, rushed to the emergency room, ive had x rays, and surgery.
im almost numb to any feeling of physical pain. i mean, i find it hard to cry over injuries anymore.
i guess im not good with the emotional stuff. i know im not good actually.
my life has been some fucked up roller coaster, with tons of different people. its just been one goodbye after the next. and i cant help but feel that ive never been the one wanting to go. ive never said goodbye and meant it. and im always the one feeling more alone then ever.
im just ready for it to be my turn. im ready to let go and stop harboring all these negative things.
thats why i cant help but scream. since i was a kid, i have felt like its the only way i will ever be heard. its a middle child thing. we strive for any kind of attention.
needless to say, ive fallen to zero. and now all i want is a hand to help me back up. why cant you understand that?

1:00 p.m. - 2005-03-15

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