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because there is always haze.

i went for so long, i silenced myself for so fucking long.
i dont know whats going on lately. since sunday, its just been different.
but still, to me, i look at him and dont believe that its really happening. its still amazing, our story to me is still amazing.
i live in this dream world. where i constantly play out these situations in my head. i dream big. i dream real big. and i cant always expect for everything to live up to these dreams of mine.
i guess since i still get butterflies, i expect you to have them too.
but, who is to say you dont. i have enough faith left in me to think that i still give you butterflies.
i know, im the most frustrating person alive, but weve built up so much between us. and right now, i think i would do anything it would take to make this work out. even if that means letting go. not of you, but letting go of my fears of what could happen.
all im saying is im not ready to hurt that bad again. and that was my fear to begin with.
i just want things to go back to normal. i just want to see a smile on his face. i want to feel like i still put that smile on his face.
becasue he is so beautiful when he smiles.
and to know that he is smiling makes me smile.
i think i write sometimes to him, to let him know these things because i cant ever speak good words, i always lose everything i meant to say. and he is tired. too tired to hear all of this. so, i write in here, hoping and praying that maybe he will read this, and know that i am thinking about him...and know that this is how i feel.
i want my life back. i want control. i want some sanity.
these past few days have been the worst, since, well, since awhile.
im just hoping for some light, to help me through this haze.

12:27 a.m. - 2004-11-25

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