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its always happening to me.

maybe this is just ironic.
right?
every piece of reality, for me, is just a dream. and every dream is nothing more than a piece of reality.
so, here i am again, doing it, again. feeling it, again. on my knees, again.
no matter what i do, all i think about is the fact that im not who you want me to be.
and that, alone, is enough to send me away in tears. all ive ever wanted was to hold my hand out, and feel someone hold on to it.
but ive been oblivious, because for the past 10 months, youve been there the whole time. i just refuse to feel it. i refuse to feel anything good because nothing good ever lasts. and i face that fact way way way too early.

all i want is you. you have been all im about for the past 3 years. its just been hard to show it. i just want you. and i just want you to want me to.
i hate this. i hate this so fucking much. its fucking consuming my mind. it hurts, and im not ready for this kind of hurting again.
i love you, plain and simple. i love you more than i ever planned on loving someone again. and i cant ever brag enough about the good things that you make me feel. and i need you, most importantly.
it kills me to think that you might want me gone.
oh god, here comes the crying again.
i dont know whats going to make me feel better. an email, a date, food....i dont know. but ihope something happens. because my heart feels so broken.

9:52 a.m. - 2004-11-22

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