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im always the one who falls.

i cant sit around anymore and rot. i have done absolutely nothing all day except play an indoor soccer game.
i feel so fucking worthless.
and i feel so fucking insecure. god, i need some fucking confidence....i need some kind of self motivation to kick myself in the ass and tell myself that i am really not as bad as i think i am...
but what if....what if i am as bad as i think i am. thats when i have problems. i cant convince myself, even if it was for 30 seconds, that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel...
i see things that arent even real....well, my mind sees things that arent even real. and binoculars arent even strong enough to see what i see.
i hate it.
i dread everything.
i need to decompress. pack my bags, move somewhere tropical. remove myself from all these distractions.
that wouldnt help. because i would only miss the things that i couldnt touch. i would miss home.
and all i want to do is feel like im home. and maybe thats why i clinge to people. its those certain people that make me feel so fucking safe. and with a weak heart like mine, feeling safe is an absolute must.
i can analyze myself all day. but i cant find a way to cure it. i mean, how do you cure your own thoughts?
i feel like im in trouble.
i love chris. i really do. i dont want to scare him away. i dont want to expect so much. i just want to live and let live.
i need to know someone out there thinks im beautiful, no matter what. inside and out. all the fucking time. some one who can see that without putting on their glasses.
and the person i want that to be is chris.
maybe that is asking too much.
maybe i dont know a thing.
but i will tell you something.....that if i could write myself out of this, i would write until my fingers bled. and probably even longer than that (if our human minds can imagine that).
im always the girl. im always the one that ends up with tears in their eyes.
and i hate that no matter how fucking pissed i am at him, i cant help but smile.
i think i am in love, for the first time in my life....no, like really in love.
and i dont care how stupid that makes me sound. fuck what i thought love was before. god, i am in over my head.
i guess you have to learn how hard it hurts to fall before you will appreciate what it feels like to fly.

7:32 p.m. - 2004-11-07

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