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for your eyes only...

things never go like i want them to. never. and its so fucking discouraging.
just for once, i just want things to go my way. because i cant ever have both....i cant ever be happy and have people be happy for me...
it never will work that way.
im so sick of going out of my way for EVERYONE.. and have no one go out of their way for me. im sick of pleasing other people. im so sick of caring whether you are going to be there tomorrow. im so sick of worrying.
you dont understand. its really eating away at me. im losing it.
i cant ever be happy for myself because some one always needs me to do something. and i cant ever say no.
im just never enough.
im ridiculous.
but im exhausted. im exhausted from effort. what happens when the one time i dont give 110%? i guess ill become less of a person. ive never really tried to do less than i need to.
im sick of having to be perfect.
im sick of always running to you when you never need me to run to.
im an idiot for ever thinking that for once i found something that was worth looking for.
and i always look back and know that i could have done better.
im critical. of myself. im way too hard on myself.
im embarrassed because i dont know what the hell is going on half the time with my emotions and i cant control the words that i say...but i always pretend that i have the situation under control. but really, i dont know a fucking thing.
9 months ago i was floating. i was free. free from everyone. i had no commitments. i had myself, all to myself. and i was happy. i had the chance to start over and change everything i hated about myself.
and what did i do with that oppurtunity?...well i walked right back down the road to fucking insanity.
and i keep telling myself that im going to stop, that no matter what it takes im going to change this all around.
but i never do.
i make people lie to me. because i cant control my urge to want the whole truth and really, nothing but the truth. because its easier to avoid the drama that i will cause and lie to me than it is to just go ahead and tell me the truth..
im all shiny and beautiful when you first meet me, but once anyone dives into the real me..they take off in a dead sprint to the fucking door. and thats hard to realize and admit.
and i never open up the right parts of me. i never tell anyone the real things they need to know. because im a boring person. so i fill their heads with all the fucking stories that i would pay money to forget. because they are interesting. and im not.
im a 19 year old girl whose parents got divorced and remarried. i have a younger brother and an older sister. i have a dog and three ferrets and goldfish. ive lived all over louisville kentucky with my mom or my dad, but when they reunited, we parked ourselves in the good old springview neighborhood and have stayed here for about 13 years. i dont really ever wear make up. we used to be really rich and own a house boat but now we live modestly, and i wouldnt want it any other way. my family is really really close. we love each other so much that we fight, constantly. but if one of us was to die, i have a feeling that things would just fall apart. the only thing about me that is half way interesting is that ive played soccer since i was old enough to walk. soccer really has saved me from doing some pretty crazy things. i guess thats why i cherish it so much and respect the game to devote so much of my life to it. its my "thing" to hold on to.
but other than that i am the most average 19 year old girl alive. i guess thats why i like to play myself out to be something special. because im really not. at all.

and thats all ive ever wanted to be to someone. i just want people to look back and remember how fucking special i was. but i have a feeling that will never happen.
but im the kind of person that lives in fear. because im scared of everything. spiders, the dark, love, heights...you name it and i bet that it would make me cry. and believe me, thats no way to live your life.
so, veronica, why dont you just turn everything around?
yes, it seems simple enough. but i cant convince myself that its what i really want.
and then i cry.
i always cry. about everything. its my safety blanket. its really some thing that i cant control.
but i know the person everyone fell in love with. i used to be able to light up a room. but i cant do that anymore. ive gotten too attached.
and i hate to think that i should spend less time with chris. because i would never want to go our "seperate ways". because i truely do believe that we have something special. but i have to change or he will go running to the door just like everyone else. and even though he would never admit that to me...i know hes thought it before.
i should be secure in love. chris has made some pretty heavy promises to me. the kind of things that you really shouldnt say to someone unless you really mean it. i should know that no matter where i go or where he goes, when i get home, hes going to be there. my brain knows it but my heart just cant seem to convince itself.
i should trust that the things he says are real. because he isnt like the other boys that ive dated. because ive never really felt this way for anyone before. and i want to trust that what he says isnt just another fake promise...i want to know its a pinky swear.
i just wish that he would tell me these things more. i think that those words would really help me realize that everything is going to be okay.
but we never talk about feelings like we used to. nothing but "i love you" is ever said.
im just an emotional rollercoaster. and no one has ever brave enough to ride it all the way to the end.
i could write for days....but i guess ill stop.
what do you think about all this darling?

10:57 a.m. - 2004-10-29

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