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im talking forever and i almost feel better.

i guess i just miss things.
i mean, i find myself waking up, at all hours of the night, thinking about how wonderful it must feel to be somewhere else. not even so much a place, but in another feeling, a different body. how nice it would be to just be other things.
i guess i just miss the way that it used to feel. not that i feel any different, but the mood, the situations, the pretending, its all different. and i still enjoy it more every second that passes. i miss the excitement....i think part of you let it die.
i miss not knowing what was coming next. the events of the day are never random anymore. they are consistent, and i feel like i cant do a damn thing about it.
i miss feeling like i have nothing together, and everything is a mess. the suspense...i miss feeling like im only 19. im still a kid, with a lot of growing up to do. im supposed to make mistakes now so i can learn something...so i can grow. and i feel like im so uptight about everything that i have no time for mistakes. (even the smallest ones).
i miss the imperfections that we had. because thats what made making up so fucking sweet.
ive reached this crossroad...and maybe i shouldnt even speak it, because i could very easily jinx myself. i feel like something finally gave.
i was driving the other night, and figured out why i am like this. and the basic things come down to that i am not strong enough. im a pushover. im scared of losing everything. so im in constant fear of screwing up. i walk on needles every second.
so, relax. i need to calm down.
but you know what i really miss...having conversations. i miss feeling like i can tell you the world. i miss feeling like you want to hear what i have to say.
just flat out...i need some one to talk to. about everything. about anything. about nothing.
i miss feeling like you are that person.
i should convert to buddhism.

5:34 p.m. - 2004-10-26

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