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i thought i found this flavor

im so sensitive.
and i cant stand it.

my sister has a tumor in her knee. they said that there was a possibility that it is cancer...but they wont officially know until they remove it. my next door neighbor knows a doctor, who looked at my sisters x-rays, and he determined that it probably isnt cancer. and it cant easily be removed and never have a chance of returning. but the only doctor that she was reffered to was in lexington and my mom cant take her to her appointment. and she doesnt want to go alone. so she is in bitch mode today. and i, veronica, was the victim.
i walked in the door to the sounds of her screaming...at me. i didnt hear a word she said. i ran upstairs, and called you.
but you didnt answer.
and i cried.

and i dont know if i was crying because i called and you didnt answer, or i cried because i was upset about being yelled at. i think its one of those situations where i just wanted to leave. and the only place i wanted to go, didnt answer....
either way, im still crying....about an hour and a half later. i watched a sad movie. and that didnt help. and i listened to sad music. and that didnt help. and i called again without an answer. and that didnt help. and now im back in this big chair, looking at this fucking screen. and its not helping.
im just lost in everything going on.
and it seems like all my life ive had my shit together. ive always known exaclty what i wanted..and ive always made it happen some way or another.
but for once, for the first time in my life, i dont want to have things figured out. just this once, i dont want to know whats going to happen next.
im ready to change. im willing to change. im wanting to change.
im still crying.
i havent seen my grandma in over a week. that makes me cry.
fuck.

1:29 p.m. - 2004-10-19

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