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its all a lot of oysters and no pearls.

my project of the day was going to be taking pictures of all the scars on my body. and sending them to you. and then explaining how some of the deepest, most meaningful ones are the scars that you cant even see. hoping that it would give you a better understanding of why its so hard for me to believe in anything.
but that wouldnt do anything now would it? because im the only person on this earth that would find meaning in something as stupid as that.
why cant i just be normal? maybe its the music i listen to or the "scene" that i used to be in. why did i have to grow up so fucking emotional? part of me wishes i could forget how to cry.
but when push comes to shove, it comes down to the experiences that ive had. i thought i had everything figured out months ago. i thought i finally had my head on straight, and i wasnt being controlled by anything. but here comes love again, knocking on my fucking door. and to be perfectly honest, to this day, it scares the shit out of me.
but im happy. im really happy with who i have become. i think i have made some wise decisions in the past 8 months. not only to better my environments, but to better myself. maybe i really have cleaned out my closet, and im just using the past as an excuse to delay the future.
i mean, im 19, i have every reason to be scared about what might be in store for me, right? i shouldnt have things all figured out yet, right? because i dont. and it doesnt look like i will any time soon.
its normal to feel vulnerable.
i dont know. i guess all in all, im just wishing that some things would just disapear. and if they wont, then some people would prove to me that its not what it seems. anything, really, to make me feel a little better about myself.
i dont just give my heart out to anyone. ive learned not to do that. so i guess its real this time. more real than any 3 year relationship, more real than any other "i love you" ive ever heard. and i think thats what scares me the most.

9:28 a.m. - 2004-10-05

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