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we're off to see the wizard
i hate this situation. i hate the fact that i feel so damn vulnerable. i hate the feeling that i have to lay it all down, just because you give me your word. its hard for me to be willing to hand out my trust. especially if your not willing to prove me wrong. i dont know whether i just got punched in my stomach, or if its just nerves. i can hardly tell anymore.
today was supposed to be relaxing and worry free. today was supposed to be good. but it hasnt been. i dont feel like talking or hanging out. i dont feel like i should have to explain myself. i dont feel like feeling lied to. i dont want to be disapointed.
i want to know that when i wake up, it will all still be here. everything, i mean. and right now i feel like im sitting too close to the edge. and i heard its supposed to be a windy afternoon.
but what if? i mean, what if i fall. what happens then? and what if i really am right about whats going on? maybe im better off not knowing. i mean, isnt that what i was supposed to learn in philosophy. i have been taught to answer these kinds of questions. but right now, im have no thoughts on the matter. its so much nicer when its not you in this situation. because i dont have the answers for myself. i ran out of comforting words that pertain to "veronica".
writing used to be a guaranteed refreshment. it cleared my mind. and it got everything off my chest. but now, well now, i dont know. maybe i need to rethink my whole life. and change everything.
lets see...i hate math, science, and history. the only thing i love is philosophy, reading, and writing. i dont have any other interests.
maybe its not going to work after all.
maybe i should just quit before im completely out of the race. im not one to finish last.
im no good at pretending that im happy either. this whole "cleaning" and rethinking things was shit. it didnt do anything. i cant clear my mind long enough to take a fresh breath of air and start over.
but if i knew that it was going to be this hard from the get go...i dont think i would have ever started.
so now im fucked. either way. some one once told me that its these mistakes that we make that make every relationship stronger. and the people that really care are the ones that stick around through it all. no matter what was said and done. ive never had anyone stick around. so, does that mean that no one really cared? maybe thats just a sign to tell me that ive been the better person in every situation. im always the one with the broken heart. im not willing to walk away. im never going to quit, i never have. so looks like im toughing this one out. no matter how many scars it brings.
im just upsetting myself. once again, im over analyzing it. no, im just thinking. thats what god put my on this earth to do, so i might as well do it to the best of my ability. i think.
ive found it in myself to cry. because i dont believe in truth anymore. i dont believe at all. heres my bold statement of the day, better write it down for future use: YOU CANT EVER BELIEVE THE TRUTH IF YOU CANT GET OVER THE LIES.
im not one to follow my own advice. ever. im better at handing it away. im the girl that never gets the gifts. and i could give until i have no organs left in my body and no blood left to bleed. i just wish, for once, that im the one with gold.
wise up veronica. your 19. youve got many more lessons to learn and many more beautiful words to give out. the only thing left for me to do is pack up my basket full of food and follow the yellow brick road.
but one thing before i go....please, god, bless me with some one who doesnt have the ability to look me in these big brown eyes and lie.
you could become that person. no ones ever been willing to try.
3:58 p.m. - 2004-10-04
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