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these hands are knives, and ill cut your throat

my gas light wa son nearly the whole way to school. i dug through my car, and found about $2 in change, about enough gas to get me home. now im here, trying to scheme a way to get to practice tonight. so, it figures that i get to math class only to find the batteries in my calculator are completely dead. which makes me presence there pointless. so i left, nearly in tears. im so sick of everything right now. ive reached a fucking climax of frustration, its like fucking being high. and im really fucking ready for it all to come on back down. im sick of money, im sick of no phone calls back, im sick of feeling ugly, im sick of soccer. im sick of feeling disgusting....... ive never really done anything wrong. and i know god doesnt answer material miracles, but this is so much more. ive asked god for a lot of things before, but im pleading with him today to give me strength to hide all this shit from everyone. im sick of being the one with problems. im pleading with god to keep everyone i love here. im sick of feeling like she might die today. im pleading with god to dry my body up. im sick of crying.
i dont know what to do anymore. i really feel like its out of my control. im willing to find the person i used to be, about 7 months ago. im willing to take it, step by step, piece by piece, to get back there. im just hoping that i have enough in me to get through it. because right now im feeling like giving up and giving in.

1:39 p.m. - 2004-09-27

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