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cross my heart and hope to..

my head is in my fucking hands. i wont sleep tonight. and its not even because you wont be here...its just because i dont fucking feel good. and the last thing i need is the dark. i cant get control of myself. not until it happens, not until something happens. i wish it was as easy as closing my eyes. but theres more to it..there is the actual sleep part, and of course, there are the dreams. im starting to hate dreams. im starting not to believe. im too young to be so discouraged. im too young to lose hope. in myself more than in anything else. i really dont think i can convince myself that the sunshine is real. that being happy is so much better than feeling the way i do. i dont think i ever gave my heart a chance to greet the world. or at least everytime i tried, i was lied to. i think lying has defeated me....being lied to completely defeated me, and ive never been the same since. not even just you, its him, its me..ive told a million lies. and they all have made me less of a person. and i could never take them back. but i also could never lie to someone to their face anymore. i could never be okay with that. i can no longer be okay with double lives, double standards for him and her. i just feel like im no longer a human being. im beat down. im drained. ive wrecked it.

10:34 p.m. - 2004-09-27

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