-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

\"its raining\" she said.

i remember when my parents fought, i would always put my ear to the air vent and listen to what they were saying. and i remember how that used to feel. and i remember my dad walking out when i was just a little girl. and i remember everytime my dad would walk out after that, and when i got older, i would be so terrified that he wouldnt come back. i always thought that no little girl should grow up without a daddy, especially my daddy. i remember blaming him for all the fights and all the time we would come home to our lawn littered with my moms clothes and all her things. and i remember the lonely drives to my grandmas house, and the week long stays, and how i was wondering if i would ever find my way back home. i remember my nannys breakfast and her stories, i remember thinking that she was mom, i remember how good it felt to have 2 moms. but i also dont remember one personal detail about my dad. i remember trying to hide in the corner of my room, all tucked up into a ball because i didnt want to leave. i just wanted to stay in one spot for longer than a day. i remember what cuss words were, and how bad it felt to hear my parents screaming them at each other. i remember all the cards reading "im sorry" coming from my dad. and all the ice cream and stickers i could handle to make up for what he said or how long he had been gone for. i remember my grandma getting breast cancer. i remember her throwing up right after surgery, and my mom made my dad take me away. i remember crying because one of my mommies was dying. i remember finding out that my grandma had parkinsons disease. i remember finally being old enough to know that she could never ever get better. i remember how many times ive heard "its just a matter of days, so you better say your goodbyes". i remember never saying goodbye because of a thing called hope or denial (ive never been able to distinguish between the 2). i remember feeling like the world was about to end. i remember finding out my dad was sick. i remember how bad it felt to think i was losing a mommy and a daddy. i remember kicking a whole in the wall because i couldnt handle it anymore. i remember crying, alone, to an empty bunkbed. i remember how it felt to fall and have some one pick you back up. i remember doors being slammed in my face. i remember when i learned how good it felt to say fuck. i remember releasing my problems through alcohol. i remember how good it felt to not remember anymore. i remember how bad it felt to come back down. i remember the nerves and the anxiety. i remember the nights of me thinking how good it would feel to be dead. i remember holding on. i remember the "fuck yous" and no goodbyes. i remember being lied to. i remember being promised that i would never be lied to again. i remember being gullible. i remember wanting to believe. i remember feeling stupid for being 18 and still being curled up in the ball in the corner of my room, crying, alone, to an empty room. i remember darkness. i remember wanting daddy to tie a pink ribbon in my hair. i remember wanting anyone to notice. i remember having my heartbroken. i remember how good it felt to be rekindled with old feelings. i remember being warm by a fire in the winter time. i remember being nervous. i remember that i still feel that way. i remember how bad it feels to feel like no one feels that way about me. i remember not making sense. i remember feeling stupid for being 19 and being curled up into a ball in my room. i remember how hard it is for me to let go. i remember the things that i would die for to forget. i remember what it feels like to be falling.
i remember everything.

3:55 p.m. - 2004-09-25

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------