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the sky is high...

i feel like shit. so my sister took me to get ice cream. i know we fight, a lot. and i know that we both think each other are bitches....but when we get along, we can be the best of friends. and thats awesome. shes got a new dude. apparently her and her boyfriend are finally done for good. i dont know what happened, and i dont want to ask. but she is completely head over heals for this new guy. i havent met him yet. and he is coming over tonight at 11 or so. but i have school, and i dont feel good, so something tells me that i will be fast asleep.

ive been in a shitty mood all fucking day. and i cant help it. when i dont feel good, i dont want to be pleasant with anyone. i cant help it, its just how i am. i need to do some rearranging with myself. i need to cleanse, take a bath, clean out my closet....i dont know. im not happy with myself, and i know that makes me not pleasant to be around. i really dont want to drink anymore. me and my sister had an amazing conversation on the way home today. and she knows how i feel. and she understands. she just hopes that im not doing this for chris. and i know that it has something to do with it....that its just easier for me to compromise in this situation. but i will never be straight edge. i dont believe in it. i want to believe in myself. and i cant do that well when i drink. i think the biggest concern of mine is that i always have a better time when im not drunk. i remember everything i said and did, im just me when im not drunk. and i like that about myself. so, i really think im doing this for me. i want to do something for me. i want to feel good about me for once. i want to feel pretty, i want to be pretty. and the person that i can become is very ugly.

im sick. and i think im going to shower.

7:21 p.m. - 2004-09-19

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