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why dont you, why dont you say that to my face...

waiting fucking sucks. and what sucks even more is that my boyfriend decides to be a dick when he fucking calls.

sometimes i dont understand why i still put up with it. i dont understand why i havent cut my throat yet. people are so fucking mean to me, for absolutely no reason. and i guess ive realized lately that me screaming back helps nothing at all. but when i just sit there and take it, well, i feel like the whole fucking world just used me to walk on. i feel let down, a lot. that i constantly break my back for what everyone else needs in my life and i put what i need on hold. just because i would expect people to do that for me. and when i feel like they dont, its like i wasted all my time on you instead of me. i worry about myself. i really do. i get so involved in what i love that i cant see anything else clearly. i attach myself so easily because i dont think im strong enough to hold all this weight. my mom worries about me. i heard her on the phone with my aunt the other day. she worries that i worry too much about everyone else. she worries that im going to bring on some early signs of stress related illnesses or something like that. i worry about that too. i worry about everything. i guess with events in my life, that i have moved on from, but never really gotten over, i hold back with precautions to what just may happen. and no matter how many times you reassure me that its going to be ok, that its different, i wont be able to find a way to believe. its useless for me to believe in anything. i have doubts with just about every moment that passes by.

ITS HARD TO HOLD BACK ALL THESE TEARS JUST BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO SEE THEM.

9:40 p.m. - 2004-09-12

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