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lets go back to the start

im so hard on myself. im just sitting here thinking how good i want to play today. i mean, its not only our first game, i just feel like i have something to prove. to everyone. i want to prove that i am the best, that i am elite. i just want to fucking show the world that i have this talent, well, more like a gift from god. i just want everyone to know that i really fucking work my ass off for this. and even though i probably dont have to, because i am going to start for my team no matter how hard i try, i put in the fucking extra effort everyday just to show that i am worth the money spent on me to go to school. and i always think that i could be better, that there is something or somewhere i could go to make myself better. maybe a bigger school with bigger hopes. maybe just put in the extra effort to eat healthier and not eat as much. i always let myself down. i just have these dreams, these really fucking big dreams. and i want more than anything for them to come true. i feel like they are in my reach and its only time before they just come knocking on my door. but i hate waiting for what i want because when i know i want it, i have to have it. its that way with everything. i dont think anyone knows the passion and drive that i really have. and i wish people would understand that. and sometimes i feel like i put my life on hold for what everyone else wants. there is just so much that i havent seen, that i havent experienced. it just takes time. and i guess i have nothing but time on my hands.

so here is my declaration.... i need to chill out. but i need some help with it. thats it.

and all i can say now, is wish me luck, my season opener is today.

9:56 a.m. - 2004-09-03

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