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i fell in love with a boy

there was a wreck on the highway, so i took the back way. i figured i would leave early, just in case. well, i think i left a little too early because ive been at school since 9. i fucking suck.

so, only 6 more days until my birthday. all i want is my digital camera, and maybe a "happy birthday" and a hug from everyone else. well...all i want....is the satisfaction of knowing that some one remembered it was my birthday. thats all that matters to me.

my soccer coach gave us a speech the other day about people bitching about their positions. she said, "we've all played soccer most of our entire lives. we all know what to do in any situation. and all of us have way more important things in our lives to worry about other than where we are playing on the field." and honestly, last night, when i was laying there, this is what i thought about. and i think i figured that whole world out. its not that i dont believe anymore, i think that its just that i dont care. i dont have energy to care, i dont have to tears to spare for just anything any more, and most importantly, i have other shit in my life that is way more important (like my grandmother) to worry about. and everything has just fallen kind of behind that for the moment. ive never been one to pray. i dont believe in organized religion, but every night, when im alone, i put my two tiny hands together and i pray on every fucking star that tomorrow, when i open my eyes, everything will still be ok. i just feel down.....thats all there is to it. i breathe just for the sake of living right now. im not sure what it is. some times things feel good, but when they feel bad, they feel horrible.

and with chris, i feel like he has no patience for me anymore. and sometimes i just want to reach out and shake him, but i think its my time to back off, and let him have what he wants. i want to save what we have, because i love him, and i cant lose him right now. sometimes, i think he is the only reason that i can wake up anymore. hes the only reason i smile. he means so much. so god, if your listening, please, please, please, dont take this away.

im a different person from a week ago. i dont know how to explain it. but something in me snapped, and i realize why everyone goes running away from me. and i intend to fucking fix it, actually, i think i have.

man, its only 9:30....i hope you are thinking about me right now.

9:20 a.m. - 2004-08-31

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