-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

are you dead or are you sleeping?

i hate this. i hate everything about this week. i hate the fact that no matter what, i cant make myself happy. and i dont know of anyone at all that is willing to take the time to help me out. so many people have promised to make these two weeks easy for me. but not one fucking person as called me on their own. ive had to do the calling first. and it just feels bad. soccer is so fucking hard. i hate the new assistant coach we have. hes a dick. and i hate the fact that there arent any water breaks or times where we can just take a little breather. its constant. and my body is screaming for me to just collapse and give up. i hate that i have to come home to a dark room every night. and i hate that sometimes i cant find the light switch. and i cry over everything. i hate that he comes to see me because it just makes saying goodbye a million times worse. and i put on this fake smile just to make him happy. but as soon as i turn to walk away, this lonely fucking tear just makes its way right down my face. so i run inside before he can see me. and when we talk, i dont want to bother him with my fucking bitching because he doesnt need to worry about me while hes gone. and it just makes me a bitch because i can hardly talk to him without wanting to cry. and its not that im so upset with the fact that hes gone. its just this week, everything has been turned up a notch, and hes not here to just hug me when i need it. no one is here to do that. no one knows how fucking hard this is on me, soccer, my grandma, school starting, and chris being gone. i have to leave. i have to get out the house before my sister wakes up because i cant take her bitching at me today.

10:56 a.m. - 2004-08-19

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------