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i wonder what your doing
so i walk into my grandmas house today to find her laying on her living room floor with blood all around her. she fell, i dont know how, but she did, and her arm was cut up really fucking bad. and she was bleeding everywhere, all over the carpet and on her clothes and she had peed in her pants. some how i found the strength to pick her up and sit her down while i bandaged up her arm and cleaned the rug and changed her clothes. ive never seen her fall, sure she has many times, but its the first time i had seen it with my own eyes. i kept it together long enough to walk out the door and into my car. but as soon as i left that fucking driveway i broke down. i dont know how i made it home. this is the strangest feeling ive ever had. because i remember when i would fall and scrape up my arm. and i remember when she would kiss it and it would make the bleeding stop and the pain would just dissapear. i remember when she used to pick me off the ground. i just never imagine the transition from being the grandchild to being the caretaker would be so fucking hard. and i know its selfish but part of me wants her to come over and babysit me for a change. and not that i would change her for the world, and not that i would ever fucking complain about watching her, ever, ever. but its hard to look the woman who fucking raised you in the eyes when she is laying on the floor fucking bleeding. and i know she needed me, and im glad that i was the one to help her, but seeing her like that really fucking crushes a part of me that was barely breathing any way. this day has been bad. like the kind of bad days that you just cant seem to shake. because it always just keeps getting worse and i dont know how many more curve balls i can handle right now without mentally and physically collapsing. i dont know what else to say. but i feel like i shoudl be apologizing and for what, im not sure. im speechless.
4:00 p.m. - 2004-08-19
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