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dont let my slip away
i guess this is my lame attempt at getting you to listen. this way, we cant scream back and forth and each other and not get anything accomplished. but everytime i write in this, it is my cry for help. it is some kind of sign that i need a little pat on the butt and some encouraging words to get me back on my feet. this is my way of telling you whats wrong with me. and everytime you read and dont ask me whats going on, it hurts my feelings. "whats wrong" is such a vague question. i hate it. and i hate it even more than most of the time you know whats going on, and dont bother to mention it. you never bring up anything you read in here, even if its addressed directly to you. you just pretend that i am always this happy little fucking girl that runs around with a smile on her face. well, im not. im difficult. im stubborn. and i always have to get my way. i cry. more than anyone you will ever meet. and you know all of this already. its just sometimes i feel like i drown myself in other peoples problems, please them first, because that way i dont have to look my shit in the face and comfront whats on my mind at the time. but then, it hits me when i get alone. it all crashes right down on me. and i sit, mostly in the dark, listening to sad music, just crying my eyes out. just wishing on a star that someone will catch me one day. that maybe you will just randomly walk in, see my cry, and not even saying a word, just hold your hands out. and ill know that it is safe again. thats when i know i can quit crying. but you, nothings that easy in my life. because i cant admit things. i cant tell you when im crying and most importantly i cant tell you whats wrong. i cant because im scared that you will laugh at me. im really scared of getting laughed at. ive never been able to just open up with feelings. except when im writing of course. i guess, because i cant see you laugh at these words on the screen. im not sure where im going with this. ive had a rough day. and its only going to get worse. and im stressed and im crying. and your not here. i know you tried to call me back, but you dont understand. you know what im going through. and i know that you are sick, but for one second can we put me first and worry about what im trying to deal with right now? i dont know. ill probably end up sleeping alone, crying until i just pass out. what a perfect day......
oh yeah..to make it even better, i got stung by a fucking wasp at practice, right on the ankle. i nearly died. it hurt. bad. things cant get any better....
9:21 p.m. - 2004-08-09
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