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i dont want this to have a title
poor stupid veronica. you fall for it everytime. you believe every word, you let him suck you in. when you know in minutes your just going to be spit right back out. and you keep going back for more, like it actually feels good. i would think by now that the crying would stop, but everytime this happens, more tears fall than ever. and im not sure what im crying about anymore.
god veronica, you fell. you fell fast. and oh dear god, your still falling now. why cant you control it?
im not sure what to think. im not sure whether i should be smiling and crying. all this anxiety is like the fucking atomic bomb. im nervous and shaky. im crying about nothing. im a wreck over here. why cant i just open my mouth and say to you, to anyone "hey, you know what, i need a hug. im not having the greatest of days." and it would be as simple as that, and you would be here in a flash, with your arms wide open. or at least thats how ive always pictured it. but i cant. i hide. from any words that could even remotely hint that im fucking upset. and i let it slide right under the fucking door. so when your gone, i can cry about all the things i want you to know but dont know how to tell you. i want to scream in your face. i want you to see me bleed. because i do. everytime im alone i fucking choke up tears.
i bet you didnt know that.
i have to leave in 30 minutes for my soccer meeting down at school. i cant believe tomorrow starts waking up at 6 a.m. i cant believe my summer is already over. i thought that me getting a scholarship is what i wanted. i always thought i wanted to play soccer forever. and now that i have experienced college athletics, im not sure i want it anymore. but without it, i would have nothing. my life would consist of potato chips and television.
im crying again. im very stressed out. im very close to breaking down. like always. and i cant imagine what its going to be like when chris leaves me for two weeks. im going to be an absolute fucking mess. i cant wait.
god veronica, you complain a lot.
6:21 p.m. - 2004-08-08
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