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maybe its better to live and sleep in constant dreamscapes.

so, lets pretend we're talking. and im telling you everything that is wrong with me.

well, to start, im very picky and judgemental. im obsessive, and very passionate, which leads to many problems down the road. im dramatic and emotional and i cry every single day of my life. i have a low self-esteem. i mean, its nothing for attention, and most people probably dont even notice, because ive learned to hide it well. but im not too fond of my face, i think i look like a monkey and a boy, and ive gained at least 10 pounds since last summer. im very self-doubtful. my theory is set yourself up for the worst, so no matter what happens, you wont be let down. so i always set myself up for failure. im very cocky when it comes to sports. i know i suck at everything else but soccer. but man, i fucking rule at soccer. and i hate, hate, hate thinking like that. im smart. i cant stand being smart. because it always makes me act like i know a lot more than i really do. my arms are hairy. and it drives me crazy. i cant trust anyone. i dont know how. im not funny, my personality is shit. im a loner. i love having lots of attention, but id rather sit at home and do nothing. a lot of people have hobbies, and religion and beliefs. all ive ever studied was existentialism and plato. but its not like i live my life just for that. i never stand up for myself. i say "fuck" more than anyone alive. i sometimes feel like everyone hates me. i sleep with my mouth wide open.

so, your probably wondering why im doing this....just some self evaluation. just something that i need to do. today, it just feels like i have a shit load of things wrong with myself. and not to be mean or disrespectful, but all day chris just made me feel like shit. and i mean, i understand that everyone has bad days, but wouldnt that mean that he would need me more than less? looks like im sleeping alone tonight for the first time in forever.... maybe i need it. even though it doesnt feel like it. i always stare at him when he sleeps. i like his back and his shoulders and his arms. i like the way they feel. and i like having some one there to hold on to when i have bad dreams. its strange. i just dont feel good about myself. at all. and its my last week of summer. i want to go out. maybe i will. doubt it......

i really just sometimes wish i could keep my mouth closed. because as soon as i say that shit is going good, shit goes bad. fuck that.

10:15 p.m. - 2004-08-02

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