-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i miss that now

maybe im just not cut out for this stuff anymore. ha, relationships...ha. who needs them anyway? i can get by being a loner. i can do things for myself finally and not worry about anyone else. yea, that would be nice, right??? no. unfortunately not. my mom always said that i am the kind of girl that will get married young. and she hates that. but i was cut out for marriage. she always told me i would be a great wife because i love to clean, and do laundry, because im intellectual and smart, because when i care about some one i care about them to the extreme, and im very very dedicated and devoted to do things when i have my mind set on them. so, why, tell me why things arent working? yea, we make it almost a day without fighting. but them, bang, the phone hangs up on both ends without a goodbye or an ill call you later.

so, here i am, with my knees to the floor, praying to god that something will give eventually. and that things will work themselves out. and im telling myself to let it go, "please, veronica, if you want to salvage anything here, you have to let it go. please dont bring it up again." but, you know me, i cant. i cant just give in. fuck me for learning to be so hard headed. so, chris came at a bad time. because i was left by a really fucking bad guy about 6 months ago. and i have some doubts about relationships still. not chris's fault. but he is here, so unfortunately he is going to get some of the blame put on him. and i warned him of that. i told him i was not completely ready. but, since this was mine and chris's second go at a relationship, i figured i better give it a try. and it feels so right. like this is what ive always read about love. this is what love is supposed to feel like. but fuck, i wasnt prepared for something this difficult. and the lesson ive learned so far that love is no walk in the park. there are mountains and oceans and strong winds and tornados and all that hard shit to get through.

and i know he is probably at home hurting too. and it would be easy for me to pick the phone up and say "im sorry" and be the bigger person. this is when i tell you that im stubborn. just, some one snap their fingers. some one give me some kind of sign thats going to let me know that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

"please, god, somethings gotta give."

1:46 p.m. - 2004-07-31

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------