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you cant be a hero with tears in your eyes

i wish there would come a day where i didnt have to think "poor veronica". there must be something about my eyes, my sad, big, brown eyes that just makes me a vulnerable target, my eyes just must make me easy to lie to. i mean, i might as well tape a sign to my back that says "please, come walk all over me." i mean, god, it was like a dream. the first night we ever really hung out, i thought, "wow, this is an amazing feeling. im about to let someone new walk inside." i mean, it was much much more than just a hello, nice to meet you. it was the fact that you were at my door step, finally, ready to walk inside my house. and it felt like i had lived my whole entire 18 years for the one moment. and i just wanted to grab you, and never let you come back out. i wanted to embrace every feeling inside my body and never stop feeling them again. i guess, obviously, you werent thinking the same thing. i mean, you tell me that you are all about me, and only me. that i am the most beautiful girl in the world. that i am the only one that matters. god, if i fucking got a dollar for every time i heard that one.....and i thought, until this very day, that you were special, that you were it. you were the first person that ever spoke it and meant it at the same time. and it felt good. it felt real good. but now i am sitting in this chair with about a million things running through my mind, and they are all about you. i dont know whether to smile or cry. i dont believe that just a week ago, you were begging me, demanding me not to talk to my "old friends". it was you or them. and this week, well, all along this relationship you have been allowed to do what you want, even if i didnt agree with it. and i never, ever said its me or them. ever. until now. its not fair. its not fair that i have to give up whatever you want...its not fair that you are always the one talking about compromising. i mean, is the truth too much to ask. because its either the truth or me. thats your decision now. but i cant stay here anymore. i cant live here anymore. i keep telling myself that things arent that bad. but thats just me, always convincing myself that the exact opposite is going to happen. i convince myself that things are good, when i know that things couldnt be worse. and what do you have to say about it all? well, let me quote what you just said, like 5 minutes ago, "well, i just thought you didnt need to know." so when did chris turn into william? oh, about 5 minutes ago. ive lot a lot of respect for you. a lot. and respect is something you earn back. and from me, its damn near impossible to retrieve it.

its my sister. its soccer. its school. its chris. its my grandma. its death. its life. its my weight. its my looks. its everything in this world. and it all has me down, about ready to bury myself again. and i tell myself that i cant fall. i tell myself that i am strong enough to make it throught this time. but in reality, im falling faster than i ever thought possible. i really hate this. i want to die.

12:44 p.m. - 2004-07-29

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