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my away message is on.
so, im attracted to boys. the real ones, that like cars, pick their noses, eat their boogers, scratch their balls, and eat anything in sight. chris is the first real "boy" that i have ever dated. all the other ones were pussies. and i guess thats why i fucking love him so much.
but fuck. we are both so fucking hard headed. its impossible to make it through one day without a blow up, extremely brutal fight between us. we both want/need the same thing. we both have the same insecurities and fears. so wouldnt that make it easier? well, no, because neither one of us is ever willing to give in or give up. we cannot compromise with each other. and its really putting a strain on our relationship. i just dont feel good about today. between us. things are rocky. this is why i wanted to stay home instead of going over to his house. we've said probably 20 words to each other all day. and we were together since 3:15 when i picked him up from work. and the ones that we did say were all screams, none of them sounded good. attention is like a drug. and every single girl in this world needs her daily fix of it. and of course, once again today, im starving and shaking and having withdrawls because mine hasnt yet arrived. i wish i could shake him sometimes, tell him exactly what i want to hear, and even if he doesnt mean it, tell me anyway because i have to hear it. but on the other hand, as my boyfriend, it is his duty to figure out what he should be saying that hes not. i just need someone to make everything better. i just want them to tell me to buckle up or get out. i just need someone there to reassure me that my fucking moods will end soon. and i dont think chris wants to be that person. well, wait, he does want to be it, he just doesnt know how. which isnt his fault. fuck. its not easy being with veronica. i have to be her everyday, and let me tell you that i am one difficult mother fucker. so, i understand. but i also need to have the feeling like you want to be around me. and i havent felt that all day. which really, well, just plain and simple isnt a great feeling to have. maybe im reading this all wrong. but just something about today doesnt feel right at all.
8:36 p.m. - 2004-07-26
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