-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

theres so much more

im wishing today would be special. like, something really different and cool happens.

last night was not good. when things are good between us, they are absolutely amazingly great, but when things are bad there is always punching and kicking and screaming and "fuck yous" and crying, there is always a lot of crying. it just comes down to the fact that there is so many feelings between us and sometimes its hard to seperate the friend part from the boyfriend part. there is so much love just floating around us, that its hard to get through a single second without feeling it. i dont want to not feel him, but the fights get one step worse everytime they happen. i found myself running down barret ave last night after him, nearly getting picked up by a man in an old old beat up car. its hard for me, i cant let go, i cant be trusting. and i hate it. god i could fucking write it a million times, but when it comes down to it, its so fucking hard. i have have have to work on it. and so does he, but thats in his control, not mine. maybe im smothering him, maybe he feels obligated to be with me. i dont know? i dont know at all. so right now, im going to stop pretending that i do and go to the pool.

11:52 a.m. - 2004-07-24

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------