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are you ready to come inside?

ive walked a million miles in these shoes. i guess it is about time to throw them out and break in a new pair. its hard. harder than i had ever imagined. saying goodbye the first time was hard, i didnt think a silent second goodbye would be harder.

so tonight, shit went down. it all came out tonight. everything he thought about my past came out. i cant erase it. i cant do anything but live for this very moment now and pray that ive ran far enough from it to be safe. so i said hello to a few old friends. so ive kissed these few old friends. so they used to be my best old friends. does that really make me a criminal? and is it your place to tell me who i can and cannot talk to? yes, its ok to be jealous that boys call me, but no, its not ok to forbid from talking to them. so the "its me or them" thing was over the top is all im trying to say. i only thought they said that in movies or on scripted talk shows. i never thought i would ever hear it in real life. it comes down to trust issues. im sorry that a group of my old friends are in a band together, and im sorry that i have done some bad things with them. but that shouldnt compromise how you feel about me. you didnt know me back then, you didnt know the circumstances and the environments, so you cant base your assumptions on your own pure judgement. it just upsets me that i am willing to give in, and say yes, i pick you over them. because i believe that compromises my own personal rights that i have as a free, young woman in the united states. im sorry that makes me feel a bit trapped and controlled. but when it comes down to it, thats what a choice is, a trap. looks like im back at the start again. trying to wiggle my way out of another situation that i dont like. so heres me telling you i love you, that i would go snatch the stars just to bring you light in the darkness, that i would pretty much walk around the earth to prove its not square for you, but if thats not good enough, then you might as well go else where because that is all i have. no more promises, just actions, from now on. tonight took things to a new level, it really showed me some one that i am quite frankly scared of. it showed me that you really dont trust me. i never thought things were that bad until tonight. i just dont see how im going to wake up tomorrow and things are going to be ok again. they dont feel like they are. so heres me, crying again. i cry a lot. maybe its just that i have a lot to cry about. i dont know, i really honestly think that things have spun out of control and tonight just proved that i am 100% correct. so, what is a poor little girl to do? cry, like i always do, and pray that god takes it from here. i guess im in the "im not giving up" boat and we are about to sail out to sea. because shit isnt resolved. i cant change and i wont change for anyone. not when im 18 years old at least.

i just hate that at you are all i think about. i hate that it weighs on my mind so much. i hate that i love you so much. i hate that we cant be together at all hours of the day. i hate it because im scared that one day i will wake up and have nothing to hate. im scared im going to wake up and not have you. because at the end of the day, when im about to sleep, all i want, all i feel is you.

9:20 p.m. - 2004-07-20

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