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so im going to close my eyes and let the world sleep alone tonight

so, im co-dependent. i have no identity because for some strange reason, i cant make it on my own.

i hate it. i hate the way i feel. but writing that im not going to do it anymore and actually meaning it are two totally different things. i mean that i dont want to do it, but its hard when your heart is little and your mind soars through the air. i finally found myself, through all the fucking darkness and madness and lonely winter nights. and i promised myself that once i could see again, that i would run and never look back. so i took off, in a fucking dead sprint towards you. everyone told me i couldnt make it through heartbreak alone, that i should surround myself in people, tons and tons of people. but i only wanted to surround myself in you. and now, look where i am, im co-dependent again. i must have ran in a huge fucking circle, and now im back.

dear christopher,

i promise, from now on its different. im just sitting here, thinking about how miserable it must be to be around me. i trust you, i fucking trust you, i swear i do. i trust that you are mine, only mine, and that its going to stay that way. i just feel like im falling apart lately, that everything is exploding, and i just dont want to get caught in that fucking mess again. i promised myself that i would never fucking fall again. im just scared that you are going to leave, for no fucking reason, and there i will be again....knees to the floor, hands on the ground, screaming for it all to come back to me. and no matter how many days have passed, i cant erase that image of me, practically dead on the floor. i hope you understand why i get so crazy sometimes. i hope you understand. but i see now, i see why i get left, because i cant control the urge of being scared about being alone. but the more i think about it, the more i want you to have what you want. i trust you, and im going to show it from now on. no more fighting about phone calls and messages. no more screaming about leaving, no more crying about the things that should be easy to get past. i have to keep it together, for you, but most importantly for myself because i know that people need me, and i cant give anything feeling that way that i do sometimes. im sorry.

i love you,

veronica

10:34 a.m. - 2004-07-13

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