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i'll pour this one out for you

i hate myself.

lets just say that i didnt go to bed until after 3. and i woke up at 6, and managed to stay in bed until 9. i cried all night. im stupid, i waited for him to come over.

i hate myself.

so chris's birthday isnt starting off too well. i hung up on him last night and never called him back. i turned my cell phone off and took a long ass shower, hoping that if i took it long enough, he would have time to sneak over.

i hate myself.

so i wrote him a letter when he never showed by 2. i didnt finish, i finally figured that maybe if i turned my light off, he would surprise me because he would think i was asleep.

i hate myself.

so then i kept hearing cars drive by, and i would jump up and look out the window, seeing that it wasnt him, but praying that next one was going to be.

i hate myself.

and then i kept hearing that door squeak open. and i was like "hes so sneaky. he probably just wanted to surprise me, so he made his car quite and he's here now."

i hate myself.

so, to make a long story short, he never came over. and i never called him back. i figured by 3 that he would be sleeping. i even turned my phone back on, hoping that i would have a voice mail or something. but of course, there was nothing. and he's not all to blame. i dialed his number a million times, but hung up before i could even hear a ring. but i just hate it because when we do manage to speak, it will be all my fault because i didnt go over there. im not mad that he didnt come over, just hurt. but he's mad because i didnt come over. because i left him. i dont have time to sit around and cry anymore. (well, actually i have too much time). but i can't. my body is so fucking tired from crying this last week. and today is his birthday, and im not making things better. and of course, i wont talk to him until after my 11:30 dentist appointment. which means i have another 2 hours to sit around and be sad and cry. "veronica its his birthday and if he has better things to do then talk to you, well, he is of course allowed to do them." i hate it.

i hate myself.

9:16 a.m. - 2004-07-12

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