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help me, please. anyone.....

im not sure about anything. sat up last night, just imagining my funeral. i imagined who would come. mainly i wondered how many useless people from high school would show up, some genuinely mourning, others just there like its some kind of event to make an appearance at. i thought about how they would find out, like the newspaper or by rumor. i wonder how many would cry. i think most expressions would be pure disbelief. like "shit, shes actually gone." i was wondering what my mom would think. maybe something like "im supposed to go before my children" or "who is going to make fun of my "it wasnt me" tshirt." i was wondering what my sister and my brother would say. i mean, i know im a pain in the ass, and i have a bad attitude, but i would just hope they would let go of all the shit ive put them through, and remember the beautiful times we had. i also thought about my grandma, because i dont think that she would understand what was actually happening. i thought about who would sit in the front row, and if people would tend to flock towards the back, like many people do in the uncomfortable environment of a funeral. i was wondering what chris would do, and who the next person he would be with after i was gone. i thought about what outfit my parents would put me in. i never really thought about how i died, or anything like that. i really just wish people would realize that i was special. i would really just wonder how many people would miss me, whole heartedly, and how many people would wake up the next day and not think about it at all.

im so confused. im confused about everything. im just confused about this whole life and death thing. ive never really had to think about it before, but these last 2 days with my grandma have been nuts. its hard looking the person you totally admire the most in the world tell you "im not crazy. i swear, im not crazy." over and over again. and i believe her. i know shes not crazy. i just wish everyone else would believe her too.

i just want someone to know what im thinking without me telling them. i dont want to explain anything anymore, im so lost with words and meanings and feelings. i dont know what to think, i dont have anything to say about it. im just so confused. i just want someone to pat me on my head, to just console me, i want them to feel what im thinking without me saying it.

i cant think anymore. actually, i cant see the screen, im crying too hard.

4:07 p.m. - 2004-07-08

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