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i cry sometimes.
yea, so the dentist didnt work out. i was on my way out the door when i recieve a phone call from my mother, yelling at me because i need to be in 2 different places at one time. you see, my grandma had called her crying, saying that my grandpa was cheating and that he asked her for a divorce. which, by the way, is entirely false. this medicine she is on is supposed to help her seeing things, but its makes her think crazy things now instead of seeing them. so naturally, i sacrificed my dentist appointment to come over here and watch her. make her feel better. yea, so i didnt want to go the dentist, but i have to get it over with. so, im kind of let down that things never ever really work out how i see them. i mean, this whole experience, i thought, was going to be a breeze. hell, i get paid to sit and watch tv and fix my grandma's lunch, and just hang out with her. my grandma is like my mom, i lived with her for a year when my parents got divorced and my mom was going through some rough shit with an eating disorder and stuff. so, i lived with her, and she became more to me than anyone had because with my dad gone, and my mom being crazy, she was the only positive role model i had, the only person that i looked up to. but after she had breast cancer, she just never was the same. her parkinson's really started to kick in after that. and since then, its been down hill. but now, its the worst its ever been. its hard, its hard to sit here and just watch some one slip away like that. i fucking hate diseases. i wish i could just snap my fingers and everything be ok again. i mean, when i was little, my grandma was the one holding me when i was crying because i wanted my mommy. but now, the tables have turned. i guess its the only way of making up to her all the crap she has helped me with. i mean, helping her get dressed, feeding her, and taking her to the bathroom is the least i can do. so i sat here and smooched on her this morning, because she needed it. and we talked, and i think everythings ok as of now. but man, i wake up every morning and pray to god that shes not dead. im always thinking like "please god, not today, im not ready today." but i guess now, the more i thin kabout it, i will never ever be really be ready. my mom gave me the death talk about a year or so ago, and since then, things have never been the same. yea, my grandma is a different person than she was when i was growing up. but she is still the person that i love the most. and that love will never ever change, no matter what happens or who she becomes. but fuck, this is really hard. i mean, its hard witnessing it first hand, every day. its just on my mind a lot now because i see it. i miss her, i really fucking miss her. i feel selfish for saying that, i guess i miss who she used to be, but i still love who she has become. yea, i guess thats it. but this morning, i didnt think that i could handle it. i didnt think i was going to be able to walk in this house. but i sucked it up, i wiped off my tears, and i walked in here like the strongest mother fucker on the planet. and i made things ok for her. and im really fucking happy that i can do that. but im still crying on the inside. yea, it may not appear that i do a lot of shit for other people, but, think about it enough, and i guess you will see it differently. its just hard, you know, because i never want to talk about it, because i cry, every single time. and even if i did sit down and try to talk, i wouldnt know the right words to say. im just confused about life, whats going on, how its going to end. but im going to return to my grandmother, so we can finish watching the price is right, and then the news. im ok, i guess. but that doesnt matter right now, all that matters is that she is ok. right?? yea.
11:20 a.m. - 2004-07-07
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