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the grass must be green some where.
im always thinking that maybe if i was better, maybe if i was just prettier, then all this would be easier. maybe all my great looks would surpass all the stupid "feeling sorry for myself" bullshit that i have to go through. i put myself through so much because to me, i am NEVER good enough. there is always things i look back on and just smack myself because i know that i could have done differently. and every time i cry, i just pray to god that i dont fall back into that fucking hole, where i let everyone win. i dont want to be second place anymore. i want to win the gold. i dont want to be depressed. and every time i cry, i just sit there and think about talking to stuffed animals because i had no one else around. yea, call me 2 years old, whatever, if you knew what it was like, im sure you would have opened up to anything, even if it was a fucking toy. i just sit there and hope that this all doesnt crumble. i pray that i wont be depressed and feel sorry for myself when i wake up in the morning.i pray that im not going to be crazy again. because the worst is waking up to a shitty ass feeling about yourself. i guess my brain has found some way to out smart my heart because its easier now to convince myself that things get better. ive found some peace, finally. some kind of fucking peace so that when i cry, i can stop, and get a decent sleep. so, why feel like i need to be better looking? i guess because i want the outside to be as good as the inside. and once again, i feel like its not.
im so dependent on him. im scared, because i cant sleep when hes not there. well, maybe i could, but i dont want to try. but im scared of being left. i mean, i would rather be cheated on then left for no fucking reason. becasue that, well, that really fucking sucks. and if he leaves, i think im going to give things up in the love department for awhile. but im praying that things dont end, anytime soon, ever. because the way i feel about him is unlike anything that ive ever felt, ever. so, just take me.
10:19 a.m. - 2004-07-04
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