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the moon raped me

i didnt like our goodbye today. usually there is a "i dont want to leave you" or a "no, dont go." but today, there was a "goodbye, i love you" only.

you may ask whats going on? because this is what i am wondering.

heres my answer....i dont know that i am ready to put my full trust into someone. i dont know that i will ever be ready. i mean, am i supposed to just let go of all my fears? its not that easy. i wish it was, but its not. i guess ive always just wanted to find a guy that would help me, that would be willing to take time, even if it meant going slow, to help me overcome all the fucked up shit that goes through my head. maybe ive gotten myself too far down. i let my heart just walk on its own, and it brought back love. and i always thought that i couldnt ask for any more than that, but i guess i was wrong. because it seems like i need more. i need guarantees and pinky swears. im sure any girl would have a problem when someone else was trying to walk into their relationship. i mean, i would hope that it would be flattering that it makes me so upset. but its not to you. it makes you mad because it ties into me not trusting you. heres my thing...i know i cannot be there with you, monitoring all you conversations, all your words. i dont want to. i want you to make the right or wrong decision on your own.yea, i know that you are coming home to me everyday, and i shouldnt worry about what any girls think, but i do, especially when they think they have a chance. it just plain and simple bothers me to no extent. and i cant help it.

it all boils down to me being terrified of being left, with nothing again. yea, i was never married, and i am very very young and have every chance at life and love again...and i found it. i found the most amazing person. i found my best friend and boyfriend again, all in one. ive found someone that blows everyone else out of the fucking water. i found someone that makes me feel alive again. i found a smile. and i would do anything it took to keep it. but im scared, deep down, even though right now the chances are slim, that he is just going to leave without a warning. and im letting that get in the way of something beautiful between us. i love this boy, very very much. he means everything to me. more than any other person/boyfriend has ever meant to me. he is the first person to make me genuinely happy. and i cannot lose that. i dont want him to leave. and things have been really rocky between us for the past week. and it just really makes everything suck. and i dotn want things to be rocky, especially right before we leave for florida. i want to know that everything is ok between us. and today, after he left, i just felt like nothing was ok. and all day, im going to be thinking that things are fucked up.

i dont know about anything anymore.

9:54 a.m. - 2004-06-21

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