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k i l l m e

just plain and simple....im scared of a heartbreak.

a few months ago chris lied to me when a girl called him, telling me that it was his guy friend. and ever since then im just on my toes. ok, i know hes never really done anything major for me not to believe him, but i have to have my guard up. you know? i mean, i know it sucks that he has to come after a really sucky relationship with an even uglier break up, but i cant help but always second guess his intentions. i know, ihave to trust that hes not "with" another girl, i have to trust it, but its so fucking hard because ive been so screwed over in the past. just, when he lied, it reminded me of every thing i had to go through for 3 years, it was one of those stupid fucking lies that eventually will build up, and i will explode. i promise you that. but i know its not fair, i know its not fair to him, but i honestly cannot help it. ive tried to let go, i have. this is so stupid, this is really fucking stupid. i am really stupid, but its just me, and i cant do one fucking thing about it. i have to let go, please, someone help me. someone help me let go. the way i am feeling sucks. this whole week has sucked. i just need something, maybe the world will crash and maybe i will go with it. i suck.

10:37 a.m. - 2004-06-20

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