-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
top of the morning to you.
so every silent hero should get their turn to speak. so whens my chance?
dont know whats wrong. maybe its anxiety of always feeling last. i mean, i try so fucking hard to please eveyrone (even though it may not seem like it). but i do. before i go to bed, i always think about what ive done to let everyone down that day. what i didnt do, actually. and all this shit runs through my head, and i always think what i can do tomorrow to make it up. money, kisses, words, letters, hand waves, smiles...whatever it is, ill do it. i dont care. and i guess, yea, i know it sounds greedy, but when is my fucking turn? when is someone going to finally sit down and fucking appreciate the shit that i do? i mean, really. everyone is always first, no matter how many times i say that i put myself first, its a lie. its never ever about me. ever. and if it is, its because someone is pointing the finger at me....if i ever get recognition, its for being wrong or guilty or out of line. whatever it is, it is negative publicity. and i guess its come to a point where im just going to get in a fit of anxiety and emotionally break down and frown, and curl into a ball and scream and cry, and kick. i dont know. i dont fucking know at all. maybe im wrong. or maybe i just shouldnt say anything at all. but i always feel like i cant be whate everyone sets me up to be, and at the end of the day, im a dissapointment. every day is a fucking struggle for my ass not to fall back into being hermit and staying inside and never coming at and not talking, only crying. every day is a struggle for me to not cover my face when i look in the mirror. and it always seems like no one helps me through any of it...because as soon as my problems erupt, so do someone elses, and the attention never goes to me. never. call me selfish, childish, whatever...i dont care, but its true, its always true. veronica is always second place, never a bride always a bridesmaid. always. its just hard never getting the right attention. its hard not having my day to shine. its hard not having someone say "man, this girl is it. she is fucking amazing." its hard knowing that i will never mean as much to anyone as everyone means to me. its hard. but, hey, look at me, because from every fight, from every heartbreak, from every problem i always walk out of the smoke with a smile. always. because im a strong mother fucker. so fuck emotional breakdowns and fuck anxiety and fuck crying and fuck mean words and fuck ex boyfriends and fuck ex friends and fuck enemies and fuck writing in this diary and most importantly fuck you for not caring as much as i want you to. oh, and fuck me for always being last.
12:41 p.m. - 2004-06-18
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
